I'm BACK!
10 days. 10 long days. No internet, except a BRIEF login at my brother's house on Xmas Day... (I snuck off under the guise of huffing bathroom cleaner. They don't know about YOU, of course, or I couldn't be so...uninhibited. They don't even know i have an email account or they'd SEND ME JOKES. THOUSANDS OF THEM. A DAY. STUPID MASS EMAILED FUCKING CUTESY STORIES FESTOONED WITH ANIMATED CARTOON ANIMALS. BUT That's an aside. I took a can of Tile Cleaner and a paper bag with me upstairs into their office so they would suspect NOTHING.)
For 10 long days, I lived with no real contact with the outside changing world; no NPR (my mother doesn't have a radio) no periodicals except old Sunset magazines, 100 years of Muscle and Fitness (all that's left of my father, RIP) and one issue of some Woman's Monthly featuring a smiling cookie baking blonde. It wasn't just because the publication was in the bathroom that she reminded me of menstruation. Bleeding and pained ovaries.
Furthermore, speaking of organs, during this long long exile in North Idaho, I saw no news programs...national or international. I saw no news commentaries. Except as it pertained to the weather. My mother is current on climate.
From 5:30 am when she wakes, till 9:30 when she retires, my mother stays tuned to the Weather Channel as if it were part of her circulatory system, an extra kidney or spleen, processing all the coffee and butter she pushes through her 80 year old system, filtering the things I say that she can't quite understand, or are obscene, and replacing the toxic stuff with temperatures and probabilities of precipitation, travel forecasts.... Do not try to touch the channel remote.
"JUDY!!" she would screech my absent sisters name, "Don't change that! I'm waiting for the local weather!"
Which happens every hour "on the eights" and didn't really change during the entire time I was there...38 degrees, possibility of rain or 'wintery mix', which means, of course, fucking sleet.....
My mother is very hard of hearing and, as illustrated above, prone to calling everyone Judy. She is a LOVELY person, and I mean that without sarcasm. She is fun and lively and laughs at anything. The rest of my family are FA-REAKS!
I will illustrate that more fully later. Now I will run for the first time in many many days. Me and all that butter and coffee still circulating in my system
10 days. 10 long days. No internet, except a BRIEF login at my brother's house on Xmas Day... (I snuck off under the guise of huffing bathroom cleaner. They don't know about YOU, of course, or I couldn't be so...uninhibited. They don't even know i have an email account or they'd SEND ME JOKES. THOUSANDS OF THEM. A DAY. STUPID MASS EMAILED FUCKING CUTESY STORIES FESTOONED WITH ANIMATED CARTOON ANIMALS. BUT That's an aside. I took a can of Tile Cleaner and a paper bag with me upstairs into their office so they would suspect NOTHING.)
For 10 long days, I lived with no real contact with the outside changing world; no NPR (my mother doesn't have a radio) no periodicals except old Sunset magazines, 100 years of Muscle and Fitness (all that's left of my father, RIP) and one issue of some Woman's Monthly featuring a smiling cookie baking blonde. It wasn't just because the publication was in the bathroom that she reminded me of menstruation. Bleeding and pained ovaries.
Furthermore, speaking of organs, during this long long exile in North Idaho, I saw no news programs...national or international. I saw no news commentaries. Except as it pertained to the weather. My mother is current on climate.
From 5:30 am when she wakes, till 9:30 when she retires, my mother stays tuned to the Weather Channel as if it were part of her circulatory system, an extra kidney or spleen, processing all the coffee and butter she pushes through her 80 year old system, filtering the things I say that she can't quite understand, or are obscene, and replacing the toxic stuff with temperatures and probabilities of precipitation, travel forecasts.... Do not try to touch the channel remote.
"JUDY!!" she would screech my absent sisters name, "Don't change that! I'm waiting for the local weather!"
Which happens every hour "on the eights" and didn't really change during the entire time I was there...38 degrees, possibility of rain or 'wintery mix', which means, of course, fucking sleet.....
My mother is very hard of hearing and, as illustrated above, prone to calling everyone Judy. She is a LOVELY person, and I mean that without sarcasm. She is fun and lively and laughs at anything. The rest of my family are FA-REAKS!
I will illustrate that more fully later. Now I will run for the first time in many many days. Me and all that butter and coffee still circulating in my system
posted by Yahtzee at 3:52 PM
4 Comments:
"Why it's Old Fezziwig,...it's Fezziwig, alive again!"
Don't ever leave us for ten days again. (Sob) Got it?
Here's hoping (trusting) your holidays were stuffed with blogfodder.
Rick
"There's a magazine called Sunset,/
And a tape machine that won't let,/
Me ever forget...etc. etc. etc."
Welcome back. Oh the clicks I've wasted...
Thank Christ you're back! I thought I might have to try listening when my friends talk - or worse, make new ones. Without barbecue sauce, no less.
Our secret's safe with me.
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